SINGAPORE!!!

Yes I'm going again but this time with friends and no parental supervision! And I'm gonna meet up with new friends, and some whom I've known for years. It's gonna be a great holiday I just know it! Weeeeeeeeeeeee! Merry Christmas everybody!

Walk the middle path

Sometimes I think it's better to be average, then you get to enjoy life more. I feel that all of us get so caught up in the race to be good, better, best, super godlike, that we forget how to live. It's crazy, even I forget to enjoy life sometimes. I forget that my heart is the vessel that is keeping me alive, I lose myself in my ego and waste time reacting to things that aren't worth it. I waste my time being stressed out and quite honestly, from now on I've decided to just enjoy my degree and enjoy learning about psychology.

I'll do what I can, I'll work hard to get 1st class honours but if I don't get it, upper 2nd is fine coz I need that minimum grade to do my Masters anyway. But who knows what I'll do after my degree? I might even decide to completely abandon psychology and do what I love, or even leave everything behind and go become a nun. No, I'm not joking, it seems like a pretty awesome prospect to become enlightened. Or maybe I can still keep my "material" things and still be somewhat enlightened like Eckhart Tolle. I wanna travel all over the world (I guess this is where money comes in so I still have to work hard lah) and read as many books as I can, and make as many friends as possible, do some crazy things like bungee jumping (ehhhh that one I'm still contemplating la, later my legs come off how?) and yadayada. My Dream List from Career Guidance has 80+ things so I gotta work on those first. I've already achieved one anyway, I'm now a member of YKLS! :D

Enjoy living because you never know when you'll stop breathing.

Damn I love Buddhism

"Please put the attention on the breath.

Have forgiveness in your heart for anything you think you've done wrong . Forgive yourself for all the past omissions and commissions. They are long gone. Understand that you were a different person and this one is forgiving that one that you were. Feel that forgiveness filling you and enveloping you with a sense of warmth and ease.

Think of your parents. Forgive them for anything you have ever blamed them for. Understand that they too are different now. Let this forgiveness fill them, surround them, knowing in your heart that this is your most wonderful way of togetherness.

Think of your nearest and dearest people . Forgive them for anything that you think they have done wrong or are doing wrong at this time. Fill them with your forgiveness. Let them feel that you accept them. Let that forgiveness fill them. Realizing that this is your expression of love.

Now think of your friends. Forgive them for anything you have disliked about them. Let your forgiveness reach out to them, so that they can be filled with it, embraced by it.

Think of the people you know, whoever they might be, and forgive them all for whatever it is that you have blamed them for, that you have judged them for, that you have disliked. Let your forgiveness fill their hearts, surround them, envelope them, be your expression of love for them.

Now think of any special person whom you really need to forgive. Towards whom you still have resentment, rejection, dislike. Forgive him or her fully. Remember that everyone has dukkha. Let this forgiveness come from your heart. Reach out to that person, complete and total.

Think of any one person, or any situation, or any group of people whom you are condemning, blaming, disliking. Forgive them, completely. Let your forgiveness be your expression of unconditional love. They may not do the right things. Human beings have dukkha. And your heart needs the forgiveness in order to have purity of love.

Have a look again and see whether there's anyone or anything, any where in the world, towards whom you have blame or condemnation. And forgive the people or the person, so that there is no separation your heart.

Now put your attention back on yourself. And recognize the goodness in you. The effort you are making. Feel the warmth and ease that comes from forgiveness."

May all beings have forgiveness in their hearts!

-Ven. Ayya Khema, http://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/forgiveness.htm

2 down 2 to go YAH!

WEEEEEEEEEE. Only Career Guidance and 111 left! I'm looking forward to seeing Dr. Goh's style of setting papers since I'll be taking his subjects again in 2nd and 3rd year. Trying to stuff all the theories and famous experiments into my head! Oh well, I've studied hard enough for the past week, which explains why I'm sitting here blogging right now hehe.

It's the end of my second sem in uni already. Wow. Then 2 more weeks til 2010. Has it really been 2 years since I left SMKDJ for good? I hope 2010 will be even more amazing than 2009, especially performing arts-wise. I've witnessed the heartache and sadness in me this semester without it, and I've concluded that I cannot abandon performing, even for one semester. Kaki Blue opened up so many doors for me, and it's comforting knowing that I'll always have this to fall back on. (Weird, shouldn't it be the other way round? Psycho to fall back on? Haha)

I have a high school class reunion soon. Still on the fence about it, a huge part of me has already left that chapter of my life behind and quite honestly, it's not a top priority of mine at the moment to talk about "old times". Although I do wanna find out what everyone's studying now, and the only news I know is that Leon and Adel are together, which was a pleasant surprise! What's with Mersawa and the coupling ar? First Ngai and Adel, then Bird and Mei Chee. Now that I think about it, I still remember the day when x called to update me on what I missed about about the latter couple on the day I decided to ponteng school. Hilarious! If I go to the reunion I'll definitely bring that up.

Oh well, back to studying 111 :( PAVLOV AND HIS DOGGIES! Bell, salivation. Tingalingaling~

Raindrops keep falling on my head

The sudden downpour scared the crap out of me! No thunder though, thank goodness (obviously, if there was I wouldn't be sitting here blogging). Ben just told me that his friend's friend got struck dead by lightning yesterday. Gosh, poor guy...my heart goes out to his family =/ Worst way to die IMO.

I didn't get any studying done today, but I still have a few hours before bedtime (which, for me is usually 3 a.m. hehe) so I'mma try to squeeze in some chapters for 111 into my head. Bloody hell I have essays for this subject...gotta study even more. It'd be embarrassing to blank out and get zero. CHOI CHOI *touch wood*

There's literally nothing to study for Career Guidance, I don't see any notes on MyAcel (I keep wanting to say BB7 LOL) so I don't know what the heck they're gonna ask in the exam. 50%!! Blah who cares. I'm not worried about that stupid subject. It's the other 3 that are making me nervous, 105 carrying the most marks (40%) and if I don't do well I'll fail coz midterms and finals altogether are worth 70% and I did really badly for my midterms, definitely not enough to pass even with my coursework. Ugh. PMG is only 25% so screw it, will be glad to see the end of it. As for 111...it's 30% but ESSAYS! ESSAYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! I haven't had essays for exams since ICPU!! *dies*

Wow I just wasted 15 minutes blogging about exams when I could have used that time to study 1 or 2 pages of my textbook. Yay me -_-

It's gonna be a LONG 10 days 'til my emancipation. Heh.

Please remember, remember December!

Title is Demi Lovato's new song. She's the only Disney star whom I feel is somewhat decent. I am very anti-Cyrus and Jonas Brothers! And whatever crap the music industry is churning out these days.

So! It's already December 2009. My goodness the year has flown by so fast. I shall do some reflections now on the ups and downs of this year...

1. Had a 4-month break before college. WOOHOO BEST BREAK OF MY LIFE. Stayed in other people's houses for 2/4 months coz of the renovations.
2. Went for proper acting classes during the 4-month break...again, I thoroughly enjoyed it, finally getting to work with THE Joe Hasham. Found out about Kaki Blue auditions through him.
3. Worked part-time for...less than 3 weeks out of the 4 months HAHA. Still earned some money la so I guess it's not so bad. I spent most of my time being picky about jobs :P
4. Got fired by a really emo boss for no reason :S (That has to be a record, working for only 1 and a half days and getting fired LOL)
5. Went for Kaki Blue auditions. Made it through callbacks. Made it through as an ensemble member. Made a bunch of awesome, talented friends who share my passion for the arts. This is definitely my biggest accomplishment for 2009. Reinforced the fact that the stage is my home :) I will never ever ever give up acting, singing and dancing!
6. Started life as a university student! Psychology is definitely not what I thought it would be. It's torture but it's also very very interesting (NOT PMG, LLS and Career Guidance that's for sure, useless subjects). I'm wondering if I am smart enough to graduate with at least upper 2nd class honours. (Well I HAVE to get that as a minimum grade for my Masters) For the first time I am truly scared of getting anything lower than a B for the sake of my CGPA.
7. Discovered Eckhart Tolle and other spiritual masters and delved deeper into spirituality. Still on this journey.
8. Learnt how to properly manage my money, and started saving a LOT more than I did when I was in Taylors. (P.S. don't go to Taylors if you can't control your spending, but go there if you wanna take ICPU! It's the best!)
9. Went through a stage of self-doubt with lots of tears. Still wondering if I'm on the right tertiary path for my future. Pondered (and still pondering) the reason for my existence on this planet.
10. Went through a very emotional breakup after a 4-year relationship, but it was for the best.
11. Improved my piano playing and sight-reading significantly (although it still needs a LOT of work). Became very passionate about music.
12. Was shocked at the huge number of chinese educated students in HELP. Finally accepted the fact that I cannot run away from Mandarin and am now attempting to learn enough to communicate properly ._.
13. Played my first Final Fantasy game (HAHA!)
14. Celebrated a not-so-proper-Halloween with a bunch of awesome people for the second time in my entire life. (First was when I was a kid and went trick-or-treating)
15. Got my car. MY CAR! MY CAR! MY CAR! I LURVE IT. Psst, the last time I washed it was a few months ago. LOL. And it's BLACK. I am such a lazybum.

Those are the most significant events...I'm sure there are more but I can't really put my finger on them now. 2009 has been a good year, definitely more accomplishments than bad events =]
And now it's December. I'm auditioning for Young KL Singers (YKLS) this Saturday, finals are in a week and a half, then HOLIDAYS!!! Gonna end 2009 with a bang!!!!! I gotta feeling, that next year's gonna be a good year, that next year's gonna be a good good yearrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

The Question

Sunlight streamed in through the glass windows of Eluna's car, causing the brunette to squint in discomfort from the sudden brightness. Beside her, a young, bespectacled man chuckled and opened the drawer in front of him, grabbing a pair of oversized sunglasses and handing it to her. Eluna smiled in gratitude and as she put on her sunglasses, the bright light dimmed considerably. "Thanks, Zack..." she said as she ignited her car engine and turned on the air conditioning. The car park was surprisingly empty at this time of day, and Eluna wondered where everybody was. It wasn't normal of the civilians who lived in this area to avoid the mall on a weekend, but she decided to take advantage of the current situation to ask her best friend some questions. Questions she had been dying to ask for days.

Eluna took a deep breath and turned to look at her friend. "Hey...Zack?" "Mm?" he murmured in reply, turning to look at her. "I've been wondering...do you still think about last time?" Eluna echoed, her voice wavering slightly. Zack raised an eyebrow in confusion. "What do you mean, last time?" At this, Eluna decided that eye contact was the best thing to do, and she reversed her car until the sunlight disappeared, blocked out by the surrounding pillars. She removed her sunglasses and placed them delicately on the dashboard before turning to look at Zack again, her eyes blazing. "Have you forgotten? All that we had? Just a few months ago...before...before..." Eluna trailed off, feeling breathless from the intensity of the emotion that she felt building up in her throat.

Zack was not expecting this sudden confrontation and his face hardened. "Why did you have to bring this up? We're doing just fine, as friends. Can't you just leave it at that? Why bring up the past?" Eluna winced from the definite note of anger in his voice but retorted with "I'm not the one with the outdated 'In a relationship' Facebook status". At this, Zack glared at her, but his expression softened after a while. "I guess so..." he said quietly. Eluna felt more and more impatient with her best friend's determined attitude of not betraying his true feelings. She decided to be upfront with him so that he wouldn't have a choice but to tell her how he really felt.

Eluna looked down at her lap and sighed deeply. "I miss you. I miss us. I know you still have feelings for me, I see it in your eyes when you look at me, Zack. Why do you keep running away?" There was silence for about a minute, and then Eluna looked up impatiently. She felt her cheeks heating up as she saw that Zack was staring at her, emotion blazing in his eyes. He reached out to cup her face in his hands, gazing at her tenderly for what seemed like forever before his expression hardened again and he turned away to stare determinedly out the window. "It's better this way", he replied, his voice almost robotic.

Eluna's heart was hammering wildly in her chest, and she felt tears sting her eyes as she put on her seatbelt, wanting nothing more than to get away from Zack. She drove out of the carpark in silence with tears running down her cheeks. A short while later, she arrived at Zack's house and slammed her foot on the brake unexpectedly, bringing the car to a jerky halt. Zack grabbed onto both sides of his seat instinctively, glaring at Eluna. "What the hell was that for, El? You-" He stopped when he saw Eluna's emotionally distraught face, and guilt set in immediately. Damn it, don't cry. Not now...

"El? You okay?" Zack's voice softened as he reached out to grasp her hand, squeezing it. Eluna snatched her hand away and unlocked her car doors while wiping furiously at her eyes. "Just get the fuck out of my car, okay?" Zack was hurt at the hatred in her voice, but complied with her request nonetheless as he knew better than to mess with her when she was in this state. Before he shut the door, he looked at Eluna one last time before asking quietly, "Drive safely, El...I'll talk to you later." Eluna remained silent, taking in deep breaths as she waited for Zack to step into his house. Moments later, she saw the doors close and immediately stepped on the accelerator, relieved to be away from him.

However, after driving past a few houses she could no longer take the pain and stopped her car beside a tree. Diving for the box of tissues beside her, she cried out in earnest, allowing her emotions to take over. It's better this way, his voice echoed in her head, over and over again. Why would he care anyway? It wasn't as if he was dying to get back together with her, over the past 5 months he had shown literally no signs of affection towards her except for the occasional friendly hug and peck on the cheek.

This just goes to show how much I really meant to him before...I guess I was nothing but an object to satisfy his curiosity about relationships, Eluna thought bitterly to herself. Despite the hurt she felt, it was embarassing to be crying out in the open. Eluna dried the last of her tears and drove home with the radio on full blast. Well, at least I can move on now.

It was exactly like the tragic tale of Romeo and Juliet, but without the finality of death to bring closure to a love that could never be.

It's a love story, baby just say yes.

BORED

Why did I even audition for prom -_-" now I'm stuck in college til 2ish pm and I have nothing to do til 12 30 coz of the darn photoshoot thing. Why lah. I'm so sleepy and I can't even do my assignment coz I left my thumbdrive at home...woe is me. My friends deserted me too! So I'm in the pc lab, bored and lonely and sleepy and grumpy and I just wanna go home!

I don't wanna go to main block coz I'm not in the mood to be crushed by the massive bus crowd. Enduring it twice a day is enough, I have no intention of doubling the amount of stress I feel everytime the bus comes. Bloody hell.

Ok I didn't mean to complain that much, really really PMSy, my "monthly visitor" is coming and as always, I get a massive wave of lethargy for a week before I "welcome" this visitor. Bleh. I haven't been practicing my piano lately coz my NZ aunt is back! And my grandma too! They're both staying in my house so yeah I have plenty of company so that's good. The house isn't deathly quiet everytime I come home like it is when it's just mum and I. Mummy please don't work so hard ok I'll be a better daughter I promise :( I wanna spend more time with you!

I'm happy to see them though, haven't seen my aunt in over a year. She's a finance manager now wowwee and she's getting paid 40NZD/hr for working from Malaysia!! Damn cool I wanna be able to demand that amount of money per hour for working overtime! I admire her because she has 2 degrees and a Masters!! Man for me, if I can just survive degree I'll be happy lol. Although I need Masters to practice but what the heck I don't even know what I want anymore.

Some dude behind me has MJ's "You Are Not Alone" as his ringtone. Awesome. MJ ROCKS! Meh, it's now 11:22 a.m. and on a normal day I would still be happily sleeping but instead I'm here, stoning and counting the minutes til 12:30 p.m. and I think my makeup is smudging (they asked us to wear makeup and dress glamorously, I feel weird!) and UGH I just wanna go home.

Never thought I'd say this but I'd rather be bored at home than bored in college when I am surrounded by people laughing with their friends while I'm alone T_T Geez I have some major issues I need to sort out. And I NEED TO MAKE MORE FRIENDS.

Okokokok what's the one thing that I can do now that will make me happy? ...can't think of anything :(

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Lazybum at a crossroads

Why do I always seem to have this crisis every few weeks, or at the most, every few months? I know my mum said it's normal for someone my age to be totally lost about his or her purpose in life but I just don't know.

On an entirely different note, I'm performing for prom. Yay! But I have no friends to go with. How sad. Imagine me arriving alone...bleh I'll befriend the other performers then. Now I kinda regret auditioning...ughhhhhhh

I can't even get started on the intro and discussion of my PSY111 assignment. Last assignment of the semester and I'm already so damn lazy. It's worth 20% for crying out loud I need to get going! Imagine if I get a C for PSY111. That'll be the end of my CGPA lol. If I get Cs how am I supposed to go all the way to Masters level?

Here I am again, analyzing every microscopic, unimportant area of my adolescent life. Adults would probably pat my head and go "oh you cute little katak di bawah tempurung. It's a big bad world out there."

Hmm...come to think of it, WHAT IS LIFE?

P.S: Is it ok to go to prom alone? I might back out of performing if I'm just gonna be alone looking stupid while everyone's with their friends. I haven't made enough friends yet damn it and I'm not gonna spend hundreds of bucks making myself look pretty when I can't fully enjoy it.

Oh piano, where have you been all my life?

I don't think I've ever been this passionate about a musical instrument before, not even guitar and drums. I think if I were to match my personality with an instrument, I'd say that the piano suits me more. I love guitar and drums as well but they seem suitable for my tomboyish and angsty, wild side. I also learnt those instruments without a single clue about how to read notes. I don't know how I managed to play all of Avril's songs (1st album) on my guitar back then! That's probably why I can't remember anything now because I never learnt to read notes -_-

I think I'm at a stage in my life where I'm mellowing out and searching for happiness, my identity and the meaning of life. I don't really know how to describe it but I feel more connected to the piano, like it's an extension of me. I know I have a keyboard and it's really flat and unemotional but I take lessons using a real piano so...yeah.

Everything comes to life when my fingers dance over the keys and nothing beats the feeling of being able to master your favourite songs! I know I must sound mad, talking about it so passionately but music nurtures my passion while I'm on hiatus in terms of performing arts. To be perfectly honest, nowadays when I'm stressed about uni, just half an hour on the keyboard destresses me and makes me feel alive and motivated again. Music and performing arts is a wonderful way to express myself and is also a good form of therapy! Especially since I'm in psychology now and there's literally no creative outlet ._. Lab reports for 3 years...geez. Boring much?

It's never too late to start pursuing your dreams/learning new things, so keep that in mind y'all! I intend to master my sight-reading by 2012 so that I can finally embark on my musical journey! Songwriting is the first on my list =] Never ever let your passion die and never waste your talents!!